


"I know"

by idiedthedayirealizedidied



Series: You'll be fine, right? [5]
Category: Undertale (Video Game), underswap
Genre: Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Multi, Other, Panic Attacks, Screaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 14:07:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17726666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idiedthedayirealizedidied/pseuds/idiedthedayirealizedidied
Summary: You KNOW.





	"I know"

You were shaking. You weren't moving, just sitting there in the corner of your bed, but you were still shaking, so so bad. You could feel it in your hands, in your chest, in your head. Your back hurts. So does your head, and you feel like at any moment, your going to vomit up the complete nothingness that you've eaten today (It's 1:30am, and the only thing you've actually eaten since Thursday(?) was two eggs that were made for you the second time you left your room yesterday (Saturday). So technically you were right, saying that you hadn't eaten today, since today was now Sunday, early, but still Sunday). You've left your room a total of two times since Friday night, once to pee, and once to get a glass of water and down six ibuprofen to try and get rid of the headache that had followed you around since you'd woken up at 4am yesterday morning.  
You've spent most the day trying to sleep off your headache, but whenever you hadn't been sleeping, you'd been either crying, or on the verge of crying. You'd either be crying because your entire body was in pain, or because you were deep in the deep dark black hole that was your depression as it tried to swallow you hole with words and taunts that you couldn't drown out with music.  
You haven't moved for hours since you last left. Sure you got up and changed your clothes from Thursday's into the sweater that you've technically been wearing for two and a half weeks and that has been owned for three weeks and never been washed, but aside from that and moving around in your bed, you haven't moved since you came in and managed to find your way into the corner.  
The scab on your upper thigh screamed in irritation, wanting to be picked at and torn open again as one formed on the lower part of your other leg, over the expanse that was thinnest near the bone. They never bled, you never managed to scratch until they bled, but you knew damn well that you broke skin enough for it to scab, hand sanitizer was a good judge of that, your leg burning from it.  
**Theyre watching you**  
**They can hear you, hear your thoughts**  
**Theyre judging you**  
“Go away,” you mumbled as you shifted your head down to between your knees, and your arms crossing over the back of your head. “Go away and leave me alone, you don't have any reason for being hear.”  
_They don't like you_  
_They don't want you here_  
_You're a bother to them, annoying and needy_  
“Don't remind me… Please go away… I don't need to be reminded, I already know,” your voice broke near the end.  
Your chest tightened, your throat closed, as though something were wrapping itself around you, cutting off your airway, making it difficult to breath.  
_They don't love you_  
**They never did**  
_You're a waste of their time, waste of space_  
**They're planning on kicking you out. _You should probably start packing so you don't waste anymore of their time when they do_**  
**_They don't want you here_**  
“I know I know I know I know I know I know” you mumbled, repeating it like a mantra in your head, out loud, trying to drown out the voices, the hallucinations of people telling you these things, of the snake--Gerald--wrapping himself around you, making it impossible to move, impossible to BREATH. You could feel your lungs trying to push against the feeling, expanding and collapsing too fast for you to see if it were working, if you were breathing, if the snake was letting loose.  
The voices were getting louder in your ears, in your head, and you couldn't drown them out, couldn't make them shut up and leave you alone.  
Your head hurt, and your cheeks were warm and wet, your eyes burned, your lungs burned, you were choking on nothing.  
“I know I know I know I know I _know I know I know I know **I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I KNOW,**_ ” you slowly raised your voice, trying to drown out the voices that were telling you that you were useless, unwanted, annoying, everything else that you DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR.  
You screamed.  
Screamed until it turned into sobs.  
Screamed until you couldn't anymore.  
Screamed until they SHUT UP and left you alone in the cold, lonely darkness of the guest bedroom.  
You were curled over your knees, your palms pressed into your ears, and crying.  
The door was all but slammed open, and you flinched away from it, gasping as a new surge of panic ran through you, making you curl further into yourself.  
“Oh no…. Y/n, honey,” you heard from beyond your hands. The light was turned on, and the bed vibrated with the footsteps that made their way closer to you. The bed dipped next to you, and a bony hand pulled yours away from your ear, it's fingers slipping between yours and pulling your hand away from your head, pulling you from inside yourself.  
“C’mere love, I've got you.” his arm wrapped around your back, sliding between your stomach and thighs, pulling you from your spot and into his lap. He smelt of cigarettes and honey, of sweat and sugar, of home.  
He stayed like that, holding you in his lap, letting you cling to his hand as hard as you could (as hard as you dared), rocking just the slightest bit back and forth, his chin on top of your head.  
“Papy? Is y/n okay?” A smallish, quieter voice said from across the room.  
“Eh, not really, they're getting there though. But don't worry bro, you go back to bed, I've got them,” he said, squeezing your hand just the slightest bit.  
“Okay… Goodnight Papy, goodnight y/n…” Footsteps receded down the hall, and you heard him say goodnight from above you. You wanted to respond, but you couldn't say anything, your mouth seemed glued shut, and your voice felt like it didn't exist.  
The two of you stayed on the bed for a while more, you clinging to his hand, and him holding you in his lap until you stopped crying, and started to breath again. It was 3 in the morning.  
“C’mon y/n, I think it's time for us to go back to bed,” He whispered when you'd turned your face into his chest. You nodded, moving to get up and out of his lap, looking up at him when his arm didn't move.  
“Mmm… I don't think I wanna let my little koala go right now,” He said with a grin. You stared at him, mentally questioning yourself on whether he meant that he didn't want to leave the bed, or if he really wasn't going to let you get up. “Cmon, I doubt you actually _want_ to get up and walk _alllllll the way down the hall_.”  
You closed your eyes, trying not to smile as you wiped your face your sleeve before letting go of his hand and wrapping your arms around his neck, holding onto the back of his shirt as he stood up. Your legs swung from the bed and you wrapped them around him, settling the slightest bit on the crests.  
His arms wrapped around you and he started leaving the room, turning off the light as he went. You clung to him like a koala- as per your nickname. Mainly because you were partially terrified that he was going to drop you or something like that (he never has, but you'd be scared even if it were someone else).  
He walked into the room the two of you shared, going over to the bed laying on it with you on top of him. You shifted a little down so that your head wasn't hanging over his shoulder, and you listened for his soul. His hand began running itself up and down your back.  
“Are you okay? I can feel you shaking.”  
You shrugged, “Not really… Dehydrated, hungry and cold.”  
He pressed his hand into your back as he sat up, the light turning on as you wrapped yourself around him again. He went over to his closet and pulled out the bag you used to stash food in when you were taking night classes, he pulled a box of cereal out of it before grabbing a water from the pack behind the bag. The closet was closed, and he returned to the bed, sitting against the headboard this time and pulling the blanket up. The light turned off.  
You shifted the slightest bit in his lap, removing one arm so that you could open the water and cereal, and twisting your torso so that it didn't feel awkward for you. You rested your head on his clavicle as you ate the cereal and finished the water.  
The pain in your stomach and head lessened after you finished. You wrapped your arm back around him.  
“Better?”  
“Yea.”  
“I love you.”  
You stiffened, feeling your eyes begin to burn again, “Why?” You whispered brokenly.  
“Because you're funny, and you care about me, and Sans. Because you're good at art, and you make me want to be here. And sometimes you scrunch up your nose when you look at me and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen,” his face shifted into your neck. Your eyes burned and your face was wet. “Also you gave me a reason to get better instead of wasting away on the couch everyday… You gave me you, and you're the most precious thing I've ever come to know.”  
“Okay.”  
He pulled the both of you down so that you were laying down on his chest.  
“I love you.” He whispered.  
“I know.” You could hear his soul beating in his rib cage. “I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Another depressed written oneshot for the series ey? Haha YEP.  
> I want cuddles.  
> And to not be depressed af.  
> But neither of those things are ever gonna happen lol.


End file.
